Oh I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about this.
You ring the Telstraclear helpline and the lady can 'understand certain words and phrases'. Well I can tell you she doesn't understand some of the phrases I would like to shout at her.
Oh and anyway, make sure you are in one of those bomb shelters built for WWII before you 'select your options by speaking' because if a bird sings or a baby coughs two suburbs away she will either tell you she didn't understand or put you through to the wrong department.
Once you're through, there will be a wait time of at least 90 minutes (yes folks, an HOUR AND A HALF), during which time you will be able to listen to saxophone with orchestra renditions of hits from the 80s which will make you want to step into a warm bath and open a vein.
Deep breaths, in out in out.