A guy says to his mate, 'My grandpa doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, eat fatty foods or even swear. We're all going to celebrate his ninety-fifth birthday tomorrow!'
His mate looks at him and asks, 'How?'
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
'Thats cute, but can it pick up peanuts?'
A kid came home from his first day at school.
His mother asked, 'What did you learn today, sweetheart?'
'Obviously not enough,' snapped the boy, 'because they want me to go back tomorrow!'
How does a rich, spoilt blonde change a light bulb?
She says, 'Daddy! I want a new apartment!'
A stockbroker parks his new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. Just as he's getting out of the car, an out of control truck comes flying along and takes off the door before speeding off. The stockbroker phones the police on his mobile. When the officer arrives five minutes later, the stockbroker is distraught. 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long its at the panel beaters, it will never be the same again!'
After he finally stops ranting, the police officer shakes his head in disgust. 'You rich pricks really piss me off!' he exclaims. 'You are so materialistic and focused on your possessions that you didn't notice anything else, did you?'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this,' snaps the broker.
'Mate you didn't even notice that your right arm was torn off by the truck too!' blurts out the officer in disbelief.
The stockbroker looks down in absolute horror, 'Oh f***!' he screams, 'Where's my bloody rolex!'