goldfish Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 sorry cant post mine they are all a bit iffy to post on this page lets hear yours keep it clean please Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkLB Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 Not really clean but it should be OK for an R14 forum A man is sitting on a train with three babies on his lap. A woman says to him "What lovely children. Are they yours?" "No" replies the man, "I'm a travelling condom salesman and these are complaints" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Afrikan Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 :lol: A Letter from Grandma... Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dixon1990 Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkLB Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 I just found this :lol: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." And this is supposed to be the funniest joke in the world...... Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dixon1990 Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Afrikan Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 LOL :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David R Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 Driving home from work yesterday I rear-ended the car in front of me. The guy driving got out of the car, and he was a dwarf. I was about to appologise when he said Ã'm not happy!" "Well which one are you?" I said. What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!! Got plenty more, but probably too PG 16 for this forum... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
si_sphinx Posted July 27, 2008 Report Share Posted July 27, 2008 haha love the granny joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldfish Posted July 27, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2008 cmon people there aint many jokers out there have you lost your sense of humour : :roll: :roll: :roll: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JK Posted July 27, 2008 Report Share Posted July 27, 2008 Why dont people eat clowns? They taste funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David R Posted July 27, 2008 Report Share Posted July 27, 2008 cmon people there aint many jokers out there have you lost your sense of humour : :roll: :roll: :roll: I certainly haven't, but I'm not going to risk a ban for posting up some jokes!! Are Madelline McCann allowed?? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricketman Posted July 28, 2008 Report Share Posted July 28, 2008 bumper sticker: i dont have a drinking problem! i drink i get drunk i fall down NO PROBLEM! a man walks down the street and sees a sign advertising $1 drinks at the pub, so he walks in and asks the bartender where the manager is and why the drinks are so cheap, he says that "the manager is upstairs and what hes doing to my wife im doing to his business!" what do you call a midget with a gun? Sir! So in the garden of Eden Adam was looking pretty bummed out, so God says to him "whats the matter Adam, you've got food beautiful animals around you, what more do you want?" Adam says to God " yeah its all great but ive got no-one to share it with..." so God says, "well, ive got an idea, this thing ill make for you will cook for you, clean for you, never talk back, always be happy to see you, look after everything for you, and please you every night..." Adam gets excited and says "thats great! but whats it going to cost me!?" God says " well, how bout an arm and a leg?" Adam thinks about it and says "what will you give me for a rib?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgeous Posted July 28, 2008 Report Share Posted July 28, 2008 When life gives you lemons you should make lemonade and find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a PARTY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dixon1990 Posted July 28, 2008 Report Share Posted July 28, 2008 When life gives you lemons you should make lemonade and find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a PARTY this is a joke thread... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slappers Posted July 28, 2008 Report Share Posted July 28, 2008 A stormy joke what did the cylone say to the coconut tree ?? hold on to your nuts this is no ordinary bloww job Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted July 28, 2008 Report Share Posted July 28, 2008 A guy says to his mate, 'My grandpa doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, eat fatty foods or even swear. We're all going to celebrate his ninety-fifth birthday tomorrow!' His mate looks at him and asks, 'How?' What did the elephant say to the naked man? 'Thats cute, but can it pick up peanuts?' A kid came home from his first day at school. His mother asked, 'What did you learn today, sweetheart?' 'Obviously not enough,' snapped the boy, 'because they want me to go back tomorrow!' How does a rich, spoilt blonde change a light bulb? She says, 'Daddy! I want a new apartment!' A stockbroker parks his new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. Just as he's getting out of the car, an out of control truck comes flying along and takes off the door before speeding off. The stockbroker phones the police on his mobile. When the officer arrives five minutes later, the stockbroker is distraught. 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long its at the panel beaters, it will never be the same again!' After he finally stops ranting, the police officer shakes his head in disgust. 'You rich pricks really piss me off!' he exclaims. 'You are so materialistic and focused on your possessions that you didn't notice anything else, did you?' 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this,' snaps the broker. 'Mate you didn't even notice that your right arm was torn off by the truck too!' blurts out the officer in disbelief. The stockbroker looks down in absolute horror, 'Oh f***!' he screams, 'Where's my bloody rolex!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgil Posted July 29, 2008 Report Share Posted July 29, 2008 A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkLB Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a $20,000 loan. “First I’ll need some details sir. What’s your name?†“Kermit Jagger†replies the frog, “Whats yours?’ “I’m Ms. Wakk, Paddy Wakk†says the teller, “and do you have any collateral Mr. Jagger†“Yes, I do. I have this†and he hands over a small ceramic elephant. The teller is a bit baffled by this and says “Excuse me Mr. Jagger, I’ll need to speak with the manager about this†and off she goes to the managers office. “Excuse me sir, I have a Kermit Jagger looking for a $20,000 loan and all he has is this small ceramic elephant for collateral. What shall I do?†The manager replies… “That’s a knick knack Paddy Wakk, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puttputt Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 How do you get Picachu on a bus?? Pokemon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caryl Posted August 2, 2008 Report Share Posted August 2, 2008 I thought Pokemon was a Jamaican proctologist Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkLB Posted August 25, 2008 Report Share Posted August 25, 2008 A guy walks into a bar, gets a drink and sits at a table. " I like your shirt" He looks around but sees no one. "Nice tie too" comes a voice from a bowl of peanuts "and your haircut really suits you". The guy freaks and goes up to the barman "Whats the story with those peanuts?" to which the barman replies "They're complimentary" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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