The funny thread

[Carlos & Siran]

Tell us a joke.......I know the funniest ones are grubby but unfortunately we have to stick to the forum rules... :roll:

Since I played golf yesterday I thought I'd post a couple golfing ones...

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

Two other blokes on a golf course, one knocks his ball way off onto the next hole by mistake. He goes off to get it, but two seconds later he comes running back. "how come you didn't get it?" his mate asks, "There's 2 women over there" he replies. "and? what's the problem?" says the other. "Well, one's my wife, the other one's my girlfriend!" He explains, "Could you get it for me instead?"

So the other geezer goes off to get the ball, and also comes running back. "What's your problem then?" says the other fellow. "Small world ain't it?" he replies, sheepishly :bounce:

[douwe]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell

rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door

there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says. "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,

her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husbands says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

[DennisP]

lololololol

[douwe]

A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[mr pleco]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'

[mr pleco]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? ... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query ... But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first ...

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered ... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him ... The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed ... The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day ... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself ...

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ... what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is ...

If you don't let a woman have her own way ...

Things are going to get ugly

[mr pleco]

man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On

> his first day he took off his

> clothes and started to wander around the area. A

> gorgeous petite blonde

> walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

>

> The woman noticed his erection, came over to him

> and asked, 'did you call for

> me?'

>

> The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

>

> She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.

> It's a rule here that if you

> get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

> Smiling, she led him to the

> side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel,

> eagerly pulled him to her and

> happily let him have his way with her.

>

> Later, the man continued to explore the colony's

> facilities. He entered the

> sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within

> seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered

> out of the steam room toward him.

>

> 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

>

> 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

>

> 'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's

> a rule that if you fart, it

> implies that 'you called for me.' The huge man

> easily spun him around, put him

> over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

>

> The newcomer staggered back to the colony office

> where he was greeted by a

> smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?'

> she asked.

>

> 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key

> back and you can keep the $500

> membership fee.'

>

> 'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here

> a few hours. You haven't had a

> chance to see all our facilities.'

>

> 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an

> erection once a month, but I fart

> 15 or 20 times a day. I'm outta here